I really enjoy arguing with people on the internet; like, alot.

The media has made me expect far too much out of relationships.  I just finished watching the first season of Skins. It's pretty darn good. Good soundtrack, good cast, good plots, and really proper elaborate and wildly grand romantic gestures.  The good old pebbles-against-the-window, reciting Shakespeare under windows, mounds and mounds of flowers and candy, running across entire towns barefoot, fist fights, kidnappings and savage beatings.  Makes my life seem so boring and glamourless.  Well anyway it'd be sort of cool if life were all dramatic and grand and right proper but oh well.  

Yeah anyway the past month has been generally awful for me.  Like, the whole Cassie thing has effected me tremendously. Everytime I think of her I can't stop crying.  I lie awake at night and I hear her calling at the door, and wait to hear that little noise she would make when she would jump up onto my bed.  Every time I go anywhere near where I found her body, lying on the side of the street, all I can see is her tiny, helpless body and her dead eyes.  My god they were so dead.  Every time we let Ajax outside, this incredible fear grips me, and I know that the next time I see him he'll be dead on the side of the road.  
What's been so hard for me about it is I feel such an incredible responsibility for her death, and like I've let Ajax down.  His eyes don't have the life they did when he had Cassie, and he looks at me as though he's saying "what did you do to her? why did you take her from me?"  
I know that's stupid because I mean they're just cats right? That's another reason why it's hard, no-one seems to understand.  I love my cats so much that it's pretty much inconceivable to anyone else.  I've never really been one to say "no-one understands me" because I generally associate that with mopey emo kids, but that's how I really feel.  Even people who I thought would understand, when I try and talk to them about it, they say "oh wow that must really be awful" but they don't mean it, they think I'm being retarded.  There is nothing worse for me that feeling completely alone, and that's how I've felt this past month.  
What's more, I know some of this is the whole cancer-mother thing, which is just something so dreadful I know I've just completely suppressed it. 
I've been trying to go to all my classes at uni but I just end up going to the bathrooms in SIT and crying.  It's really really awful.  
That's another thing, uni.  Man, it just seems like the work is never-ending this semester. It's just assignment after assignment, and I really need to get a move on.
Because I've been in such a horrid state this past month, I've been "comfort eating" which has meant that my clothes just don't fit right, which has made me even more upset, because body image has always been a pretty big thing for me.  

Seems I only ever whine in this journal.  Ah well, I'll try and talk about positive things when they happen to me.

Right well anyway, I was going to go on a run or whatever but it seems as though it's going to rain all day.

Last night some time, probably around 11, Cassandra was hit by a car and died.
I was the one who found her lifeless body by the side of the road, covered in mud with her eyes open and staring vacantly out.  I will never forget that image as long as I live.  I found her and then just broke down and cried on the ground; huge wailing sobs like you see those middle eastern women cry on the news when their relative has died in a suicide bombing or something.  I am so full of grief, it's unimaginable.
I am so goddamn upset right now.  I am never letting Ajax outside of the house again.  I can't lose another cat, I just can't.  
And jesus christ i have all this uni work I am so far behind on I don't know how I can do anything.  That little cat meant so much to me. 
I love you Cassandra, I love you so much. 
She would always be sitting on my bed, waiting for me to come home, waiting to curl up with me and bite my fingers. 
I just don't know what to do.
Why is this happening to me, and why now?

OKAY so two things to address today
1. People in Sydney
*Cranky People in Sydney
So there's this world youth day thing right, which is all about celebrating love and hope and faith and all that nonsense, and whilst it is primarily a catholic celebration, youth from anywhere are invited to join in without discrimination.  Okay so like what's the big deal? WELL the government passed these laws which allow police to stop people who are "causing annoyance or inconvenience to participants in a World Youth Day event".  Apparently this infringes on our rights to a peaceful protest.  There are indeed groups who plan to have condom-distribution ceremonies and the like, and according to Morris Iemma, these sort of peaceful protests will be allowed to occur.  Okay, fair enough.  We still maintain our rights to peaceful protest and free speech.  NO PROBLEM THERE. I think people misunderstand, the primary reason for these laws is so that if protesters show up to interrupt the Randwick mass or whatever, then police have legitimate reasons to arrest them, similar to streakers at sporting events.  This is perfectly legitimate in my opinion.  People should be allowed to worship without being harassed, annoyed or inconvenienced. 
Another argument is that people will be arrested simply for wearing a tshirt.  I don't think that this will occur at all, unless someone wearing an inflammatory tshirt runs up to participants in wyd day screaming WHAT DO YA THINK OF THAT HUH YOU FILTHY BASTARD and shoving their shirt in peoples faces, then yeah, wearing such a tshirt would be an infringement on those laws, and i think it should be.  Even without those laws, said example person should be at least reprimanded for being a public nuisance and something to do with religious hatred?
My final point is this: if it was a Jewish gathering, no-one would bat an eyelid.
I think this all comes down to people being okay with discrimination towards large groups, which I have never thought acceptable.

2. FEELIN' DOWN
Okay so anyway last Tuesday I went to the doctor because I'd been incredibly tired for the last 3 weeks, had severe problems concentrating and performing basic cognitive tasks, uncontrollable crying, huge appetite, disturbing thoughts and other stuff. Well anyway basically he's like 'you are clinically depressed because of this medication you're on'.  So yeah. I'd never understood it when people were depressed, I'd always been like 'just fucking get over it and cheer up you whiney bitch' but it's really awful. It's like, you can't control your emotions or feelings or thoughts at all and you're just like BAW life sucks. So yeah. I'm pretty okay now, still quite tired but other than that, GETTING BETTER.

Right, well, still no TV so I'm downloading season 3 of house. It's going to take like two more days. Perhaps I shall play the sims 2. Yes, that is what I will do.
RIGHTIO
pip pip and all that
Cat

Yeah okay so some pretty big shit going down in my life at the moment. Pretty major stuff right here.  I feel vulnerable, alone, lost and helpless; all of those emotions to the extreme.  And of course scared. My god am I scared. I just don't know how I managed to fuck up this much. Ugh. UGH

 THE iPOD SOFTWARE AND iPOD SOFTWARE UPDATES ARE NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SYSTEMS, LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES OR OTHER EQUIPMENT IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE iPOD SOFTWARE OR iPOD SOFTWARE UPDATES COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR SEVERE PHYSICAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE. 

Okay so today I was agitated at anything and everything for no real reason and I wish I knew why. Like, everything anyone said or did pissed me off.  All I wanted to do was drink a few jugs of beer, which is odd because I hate beer. 

I hate contextual changes

this game is going to end in tears and i'm pretty sure they're going to be mine.  god fucking damn it.
actually i just need to chill. i can be cold and indifferent and nothing will be able to hurt me. i am actually warm and caring but the problem with that is people tend to interpret it incorrectly or just abuse me because of it. 

I could not have asked for a better birthday
Every year my expectations for my birthday are really high and are then shattered but this year I got just what I wanted

Today I went shopping with some birthday money and bought the coolest socks you've ever seen. They're knee-high pink and white socks with pom-poms hanging from the top.  Also fingerless gloves and purple stockings.  Yeah boi

I'm also becoming obsessed with the idea of the isolated desert and driving through it for hundreds of miles without seeing anyone and sleeping under the stars and listening to Kyuss for hours

so yeah I was really excited about going to the beach today because it's going to be a hot day, but apparently there are dangerous surf conditions + blue bottles so yeah...dangerous surf I can handle but blue bottles....forget it. sigh. 

Okay so I had a myer gift card and I bought a small notebook which is very pretty, and it was originally going to be an itemized list of my expenses, so I could learn the value of money or something, but it's turned into this thing where I just jot down whatever I'm thinking e.g. lists of phrases which I find obnoxious, things which are generally awesome etc.
So the following is thoughts on the train home today:
Goddamn it feelings can be so confusing sometimes. I wish there was some sort of database of concrete emotional states and you could be like
SELECT feeling FROM emotions
WHERE person = "examplename";
I don't think hormones help much because they're just like surrender your carnal treasure!
She had diamonds on the inside
I probably should have done this book in reverse
I seem to spent a lot of money on food.
I should put the majority of my cash into the bank so I don't fritter it away on fuel for my thighs

I think over the past year (2007) I've concentrated too much on my external appearance and I think in 2008 I'd like to focus on mentally maturing. James is right, I could achieve so much if I set my mind to it.
It'd be pretty sweet to find some sort of performance outlet for my singing. I think...I think singing infront of people allows me to share my vulnerable side with people, which isn't something I often do, and I can't remember the last time I was as open & raw with someone as I would be when singing The Lengths, Stormy Blues or Ramshackle or something.

I also often wonder what happened to the religious side of me. I never pray anymore. Although I will say this for my personal development: I no longer pray (on the very very rare occasion I do, that is) for God to help me with my problems, but rather I ask Him to help my friends.
Talking to Tim I see such incredible faith and devotion and I think I could never emulate that or even come close and a significant part of me has a huge admiration for Tim with his incredible, unwavering faith in God.

I mean, I still believe in God and stuff, I guess I just don't really feel He cares about li'l ol' me. 

I think I"ll go to the beach tomorrow.

I don't understand the big deal about the Macbook Air.  Oh wow, it's slightly thinner than other laptops, whilst sacrificing most of the functionality! Incredible! It has one USB port, no CD/DVD drive, and a touchpad which does everything most touchpads can do these days! Goddamn mac users. 

Okay so I went to Uffie at the Greenwood last night, and it was one of the best shows I've been to in a long time.  The first DJ was incredible, and he had the most incredible dance/electronic remix of "Testify" by ratm.  I mean, you'd think like, ratm + dance = disaster.  But it was so great, the entire crowd was going off.  Uffie was fantastic also, she was so adorable, and her stuff is SO much better live.  I hadn't listened to any of her stuff till like, yesterday morning when Zhangy called me up and was like 'come to Uffie!'.  It's sort of like, if Peaches didn't give of huge dyke vibes and wasn't so angry, with a bit more synth-pop and a bit less electro.  Oh, and then I found $20. No, really, it was on the floor and looked like it'd fallen out of someone's bra. 
Also, today I'm dressing like a scene kid.  Leggings, my dads shirt with a belt, wayfarers and to-be-decided shoes (perhaps combat boots, black flats or high-tops)

Okay so I got my sound system in my room working. It's old as hell but it's super-loud and has great bass.  So I had a dance party for one in my room for an hour.  Although it wasn't really dancing like I dance when I'm out with people, it was like, go crazy limbs-flailing, a mental patient with a movement disorder on crack having an epileptic seizure and trying to make it rain.  But it's okay, because it felt super.  Dancing is a great form of release, and when you're doing it whilst no-one is watching, it's the ultimate freedom.

Wow I'm a nutcase.

Okay so my dad took me out to lunch yesterday and gave me a big long lecture on motivation and applying myself, primarily academically.  He's right. I've been so slack with my studies my entire life and I really need to change that if I have any hope of doing something with my life.  Because it's not just my studies that are effected, it's the cleanliness of my room, it's my body, it's my money and overall discipline and organization.  I just don't really know how.  And another thing, I want to grow up.  I've been examining my behaviour and I'm seriously acting like an irritating teenage girl, which I guess I am, but I don't want to be that person.  I mean, in general I'm pretty proud of the person I am, but sometimes I'll have these moments (usually fueled by alcohol, not always) of just total immaturity, and I end up being someone I can't respect.  And if I can't respect my actions and decisions, how can I expect other people to?
I saw "Into the Wild" last night and it was really excellent, one of those movies that you come out of thinking that you are now somehow better for having seen it.
My relationships are going well at the moment, for the most part. 
I woke up really early this morning because my cat was snoring, so I drove to the beach and went for a run along the sand and up the headland.  "Dangerous swell" my ass.  Although it was only low tide, in which case, yeah I'm mildy impressed.
In other news, I am really really bored.  Everyone is at NCSS or Blue Mountains or at work or with their awful boyfriends or doing various other things.  But I'm going to the greenwood tonight to see 'uffie', so that should be at least moderately exciting, except I don't have any money for drinks, in fact I can barely afford entry.  Well I do have some money, but it's my bosses.   I guess I have plenty of stuff to look forward to in the next month or so. 
Oh, also, I finished Cat Mario.  Success.  Goddamn wireless keyboard, battery is running out. Oh well.

Okay so it wouldn't be a NYE drinking at home alone without posting in a LiveJournal. 
My new years resolution is to not have to feel bad/get caught out a feel 'oh...that was a really bitchy thing to do'.  But more than that, because it's one thing to be a robber who isn't sorry he stole but is terribly sorry he is going to jail, but it's another to not steal in the first place. Ah Gone with the Wind.

Okay well wow subconscious, that is the LAST person I'd expect to have that sort of dream about. What the hell.  Well I guess not the last, but it's pretty fucking down there. Just...wow. I'm not complaining though, just weirded out. 

It'd be pretty hard for anyone to top my Saturday nights. Sitting at home infront of the computer, eating jelly with a fork. 
Fuck yeah.

ah dear. just got a message saying 'meet me in the city and let's get this over and done with'. i'm pretty sure i know where this is going.